Most of my female family and friends have had children. While they are as different from each other as a tabby cat's patterns, they all have one thing in common: It seemed as though everyone else around them had an opinion about how they should raise their children! From what to eat while pregnant to how to dress an infant to what schools their kids should go to, new mothers tend to get all kinds of unsolicited advice. Most people are well-meaning, but it can still get on your nerves. How can you deal with these comments with grace while still getting your message across? Here are a few tips I've found.
Just the facts, ma'am. If
someone says something that you know isn't true or doesn't apply to
you, state it. Back it up with 'credentials'; people tend to 'take
your word for it' more if it comes from an expert on the subject. If
your mother quotes a parenting book to you, quote one to her, perhaps
even the same book. “[X baby book expert] said it's okay to eat
this.” Better yet, quote your doctor. “I'm giving her
formula because my doctor said I'm not producing enough breast milk.”
She'll probably assume the expert knows what they're talking about,
and leave it at that.
Pick your battles. While
you won't want to 'lean' on matters that you consider vitally
important to your child's health or well-being, let the person talk.
If your friend insists that your child wear a thick blanket when you
take him for walks in the stroller, let her put one on him. It won't
hurt, but will make her feel like she's been heard. If your baby
doesn't want it, he'll push it off. If it's not a big deal to you,
don't argue about it. Just let it pass and change the subject.
Don't return rudeness for rudeness.
As tempting as it may be, don't
respond to rude comments in kind. Sometimes silence, avoiding eye
contact or a terse “Thanks, I'll think about it” works very well
to let the person know you don't want their advice.
Enlist the help of a mediator. If
there is someone who can step in for you (perhaps your husband or
another relative), let them. This is especially true if the comments
are putting a strain on your relationship with the person speaking.
Chances are, you're not the only one bothered.
Be honest, but tactful. If
their comment really
bother you, be honest but tactful about how you feel. “I like that
you're trying to help, but I think things are okay the way they are.”
“I know you mean well, but I'd appreciate it if you wouldn't press
the issue”.
Finally, here's
something I think is really important-
Recognize that they mean well.
While there are definitely
people who just like to meddle, most people who give you unsolicited
advice are trying to help. Understanding this can go a long way in
defusing any anger you may have.
Being
a new mother-whether it's your first child or (yikes!) your
fortieth-can be a stressful situation in your life. Hopefully now you
have an idea of how to make it a little less so.
